The Tween

Presented by Tim Croft and Lauren Keller

Sandy Spring Friends School

1/31/06

Understanding who is the Tween? What are the developmental stages?

- This is a quick developmental continuum. Your Tween may have few changes one year and then go through numerous changes the next. An 8^th grader may have the body of a 14 year old, the social skills of a 10 year old and the intellectual ability of a 12 year old, this can be a lot to deal with at one time.

Physical:

o The physical changes are most prevalent at this age with more growth in these years than at any other time since infancy.

o Bodily changes begin to distinguish between male and female with genitalia changes, sweat glands and skin changes

Hormonal changes are in connection to the physical changes including:

o Mood swings, rapid and intense feelings

o Often an increased sensitivity to outward appearance and how you as parents look at them

o Increased sensitivity to criticism

o Insecurity regarding physical changes

o Self-absorption

o Increased levels of impatience

o Beginning awareness of attraction to others

Seeking independence

o Testing boundaries is a normal part of seeking independence

o May be accompanied by increased levels of defiance and disrespect

o Influenced by media as Tweens consider “What is it I care about?” and “What makes me, me in relation to others?”

Social:

o Tween’s often walk around acting as if they have an invisible audience

o Friendship take on a greater importance and different significance

o Friendships may shift as Tweens seek out peers for differing interests

Intellectual:

o Begin to think abstractly

o Increased development of empathy

Joys and Challenges of Living with a Tween:

- As Tweens seek independence they are also developing interests and increasing skills

- Commitment to activities may increase

- Desire to be part of a team or engage in structured organized activities

- Thrive within rules and structure (but won’t admit to it)

- Increased sense of responsibility

- More shared interest as a family

- You will see the personality development of your child into the tween years

- Able to engage in more of a peer conversation rather than the directed conversations of early childhood

- Understanding and use of humor

Increasing Communication with Your Tween:

- Have conversations in the car where your Tween can talk to you but not have to look directly at you

- Remind your Tween you lived through the same age and stage

- Offer to listen any time

- Practice reflective listening (repeat back to your Tween what you believe you heard and ask if you understood correctly, ending with “is there anything else?”) before moving on

- Offer another (trusted) adult to talk to

- Problem solve

- Remember the stages of preadolescence, like all developmental stages are an uneven continuum

- Remind your Tween that your family may discuss things at different ages and in a different manner than other families therefore it is important that the information shared in these discussions be kept private from friends

- Allow increased levels of independence while providing needed limits

- Remember your Tween is changing but your values do not

- Consider that your refusal to talk about a subject will only serve to make that subject taboo and will encourage your child to get answers (possibly inaccurate) elsewhere

- If your Tween revisits a subject it is an indication of that subject’s level of importance

- Approach conversations without demands for disclosures being mindful that judgment in tone or word will be quickly picked up on and seen as barrier to further conversation.

- Solicit your Tween’s opinion about the culture of their groups. For example, instead of asking “have you ever cheated on a test?” trying asking “what’s the attitude toward cheating among your friends and classmates?”

- Remember when your Tween brings you a hypothetical situation for your consideration, they are trying to get your opinion on a matter of concern to him/her

- Validate his/her feelings in the moment

- Find balance

- Pick and choose your issues to stand firm on

- Take advantage of teachable moments

- Be knowledgeable of your Tween’s world, music, language, interests, etc.

- Remind your Tween that nothing they can tell or ask you will change that you love them

- Use counselors as support for school related issues

- Visit www.4parents.gov:

o W- Welcome to talk about sensitive topics

o I- You are interested which is shown through your actions

o S- Support good goals

o E- Encourage, educate and empower

Providing a safe environment for your Tween:

- Remember you are all part of the same connected community. Talking with other parents is one of your best tools

- Begin the pattern of calling other parents before the kids get together establishing this as a normal part of your family life will be invaluable as your Tween ages

- Be willing to become the scapegoat to allow your Tween to save face with friends (instead of asking a Tween to tell a friend they do not want to see a certain movie let them say they want to but aren’t able to because you won’t let them)

- Remember you are not “the only one” not letting your Tween do something. This is another opportunity to get in touch with other parents to ask advice. Keep in mind though that to your Tween it really does feel like they are the only one not getting to do something. What they may be saying to you is “I’m worried, I will be excluded if I don’t get to “.

- Use calmer moments to reflect on issues

- Recognize and remind your child of your own family values, your household should be “the counter culture” (Rachel Simmons)

- Remember, that Tweens will hear about popular culture from peers. If there pieces of information you want them to have from you for accuracy, be their first and consistent source of information.

- Having goals solidifies and reinforces values for Tweens, encourage and support goal setting and working toward completion

- Talk up good choices!

- Help your Tween develop safe “outs” from difficult situations

Letting go, How do you know when to?

- Ask yourself, how confident are you that your Tween is bringing you information on his/her life?

- Teach refusal skills (how to and when to say “no”?)

What does SSFS cover about preadolescence?

5^th Grade:

- Begins the formalized “life skills” classes which are organic in nature allowing the format to follow the interests and questions of the students

- Meets every other week as a whole group with Tim or in gender specific groups with Lauren and Gretchen and/or Tim and Wade

- Physical changes (hygiene and growth), gender roles, social identity, treatment of the opposite sex and gender myths are all addressed

- Tweens are always encouraged to get the bulk of their information from parents and we encourage you to be the first source of information for them

- As a School we believe in open communication and that is certainly carried through in the life skills classes

- An emphasis is put on normalizing the different developmental stages

6^th Grade:

- Life skills classes are part of the curriculum so that each 6^th grader will have a trimester by the end of the year

- Further exploration of the developmental changes and anatomy happens in co-ed groups

- Recognition of crushes and the “what to do” as well as “what not to do” are identified

- Tweens are always encouraged to get the bulk of their information from parents and we encourage you to be the first source of information for them

- As a School we believe in open communication and that is certainly carried through in the life skills classes

- A letter is mailed home with strategies for your conversations with your Tween and lessons plans are on the website

Orienting the new 6^th Graders:

- Lots happens to bring the new students in and support the returning students.

- Families are encouraged to be first friends and to extend themselves to new parents.

Pre-Adolescent Resources for Students and Parents

Boys:

-What’s Going On Down There? Answers to Questions Boys Find Hard to Ask by Karen Gravelle

-What’s Happening to My Body Book for Boys by Lynda Madaras

-What’s Happening to My Feelings Book for Boys by Lynda Madaras

-From Boys to Men by Michael Gurian

-The Guy Book: An Owner's Manual by Mavis Jukes

Girls:

-My Body, Myself for Girls for Preteens and Teens by Lynda Madaras

-Outside-In by Clare Smallman and Edwina Riddle

-The Care and Keeping of You, The Body Book for Girls by American Girl Library

-The Care and Keeping of Your Feelings for Girls by American Girl Library

-The Girls Guide to Growing Up by Karen Bokram and Alexis Sinex

-The Period Book, Everything You Don’t Want to Ask (But Need to Know) by Karen and Jennifer Gravelle

-What’s Happening to My Body Book for Girls by Lynda Madaras

-What’s Happening to My Feelings Book for Girls by Lynda Madaras

-Totally Private and Personal, Journaling Ideas for Girls and Young Women by Jessica Wilber

Social Aggression:

-Bullies are a Pain in the Brain by Trevor Romain

-How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies: A Book That Takes the Nuisance Out of Name Calling and Other Nonsense by Kate Cohen-Posey

-Stick Up for Yourself : Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power & Positive Self-Esteem by Gershen Kaufman, et al

-Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman

-Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons

Puberty and Human Sexuality:

-Asking About Sex and Growing Up, A Question and Answer Book for Boys and Girls by Alan Tiegreen

-It’s Perfectly Normal, Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health by Robie Harris

-It’s So Amazing: A Book That Answers Most Questions Younger Children May Have About -Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies and Families by Robie Harris

-Don’t Sweat It! Every Body’s Answers to Questions You Don’t Want to Ask by Marguerite Crump

-Healthy Sexuality Development by Ken Chrisman and Donna Couchenour

-How To Talk To Your Child About Sex by Linda and Richard Eyre

-Keys to Your Child’s Healthy Sexuality by Chrystal De Freitas

-Sex and Sensibility, The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex by Deborah Roffman

-What’s Happening To Me? by Peter Mayle

-Understanding the Facts of Life by Susan Meridith and Robyn Gee

Parenting the ‘Tween:

-Too Old for This, Too Young For That! Your Survival Guide for the Middle-School Years by Harriett S. Mosatache

-Get a Clue! A Parents' Guide to Understanding and Communicating With Your Preteen by Ellen Rosenberg

-Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryle to the Mall? by Anthony Wolf

-Its Not Fair, Jeremy Spencer`s Parents Let Him Stay Up All Night by Anthony Wolf

-The Roller-Coaster Years: Raising Your Child Through the Maddening Yet Magical Middle School Years by Charlene C. Giannetti

-The Tween Years : A Parent's Guide for Surviving Those Terrific, Turbulent, and Trying Times by Donna G. Corwin

-Your Child's Emotional Health: The Middle Years by Jack Maguire, Philadelphia Child

Guidance Center

-Our Last Best Shot: Guiding Our Children Through Early Adolescence by Laura Sessions Stepp

Helpful Websites: